Why I love the Department of Homeland Security

If there is one thing I love about America, it is the U.S. Department of Homeland Security.

If there is one thing I love about America, it is the Department of Homeland Security. I love hearing about colors I never knew existed each time I go to the airport, pretending to know the difference between “level fusia” and “level lemon-lime.” I love knowing that these Homeland Security experts are taping me everywhere I go to make sure I am not a terrorist, ’cause I have always been photogenic.

However, the small way that I differ from this department and its current philosophy is the way in which we achieve this meritorious goal of security. Last night, I envisioned myself as the leader of the Department of Homeland Security, making a mid-term speech to my team…

Good afternoon fellow leaders of Homeland Security, and thanks for attending this meeting in your uniforms. Sgt. Pguyen and Pvt. Lucero, I must say that you are wearing the red noses particularly well today! If anyone needs a spare clown suit, please feel free to contact Mable, our 78 year old “uniform organizer” and local hospital volunteer.

Before I start the meeting, I will just remind you that if the jacuzzi water gets too hot for you at anytime, please let me know and we can move the meeting to a new location, like that sandbox behind you.

Okay, down to business. I am happy to report that our beloved United States And world are safer now than when we began our work 18 months ago. Financially, I think our operating budget of $18,000 annually is proving to be a little hard to spend, especially with the reduced prices worldwide for juggling balls, slinkies and pink-colored wigs.

Going campaign by campaign, we will start with “Operation Laughter in Afghanistan.” As you will recall, our president directed us to follow the withdraw of troops from Afghanistan and Iraq by going in mass to the places we had previously demolished in those dark, misguided times of the past where we thought that inflicting violence was the way to protect our country. We rolled up our sleeves are started working to rebuild these cities complemented by our nightly comedy shows.

I think our strategic formation as we approached each town was an important part of our success, and of all people, it seemed like Lt. Quiones was the most effective person to be at the top of our 3-level human pyramid, in terms of the laughter we received when reaching the town.

I know we were worried about the land mines we would encounter, those stone-faced older men who refuse to laugh even at our ridiculous skits about how badly Americans sound when they try to speak Arabic, but it seemed like this was actually a false premise, a kind-of… how would you say it… weapons of mass destruction that were not really there at all!!!! (jacuzzi erupts in laughter).

Our second campaign in Cuba, “Campaign Warm War (of laughing clowns)”where we changed focus to put more emphasis on magic tricks, increasing our arsenal to include pulling rabbits out of hats, having handkerchiefs disappear, and the ole’ “Who let one out” skit were a huge part of our military success.

Now, I will say in hindsight, that our loss in the Battle of West Havana, is due to some bad planning on my part. The funeral for one of the community’s elders made the area’s men much less receptive to a bunch of clowns, bouncing on Pogo sticks down the narrow streets, shouting amor para todos, nuestros hermanos y hermanas cubanas (love for all, our Cuban brothers and sisters.)

However, even though our yellow military handbooks (Clowning for Dummies) say that those you have lost in battle are gone forever, I do remember that after this incident, crying obnoxiously loud to poke fun at the American stereotype of being completely culturally inappropriate in foreign lands, we did have same mourners, along with hundreds of kids come over and laugh hysterically with us into the night.

And then there was our meeting with good ole’ Fidel. Here, it was a planned “in and out” mission, knowing how busy he must be trying to feed his people in the midst of embargoes. I think our juggling of Cuban cigars to the music of Buena Vista Social Club was a good opening act, but I was amazed when he then responded with tears, describing how sad it is that our countries see the other as an enemy, to the citizen’s detriment, simply because we hold tight to past transgressions and 21st century McCarthyism.

We cried together, prayed a lot that night, and skipped home to prepare for the following day’s battle at the nearby women’s salon and taqueria.

(A collective nostalgic sigh passes around the jacuzzi.)

Finally, the Taiwan Surge, a very effective three-day campaign in a small land far away, somewhere in Europe as I remember from my school days. We cannot talk about our time in Taiwan without bringing up the gun fight out in their capital of Taipai. I think we all remember that tense moment, our troops lined up face to face with theirs. Who would fire first? Silence… more silence, and the BOOM! A large burst of water hit our front line, coming from all directions.

We tried to come back, but just as we started unloading the U.S. military’s top weapon, the 446.23 Water Blaster (by Toys R’ Us, made in Taiwan) they started launching their military style water balloons.

Yes, we lost quite a few men in that one, mostly due to slipping on the wet, soppy ground. Fortunately for our men, the Taiwanese who dragged off our men were not taking P.O.Ws but instead were rushing the wounded to the nearest hospital. Because Taiwan, a country musch less wealthy than our own, provides universal health care, our comrades scraps and cuts were offset by the fact that their medical bills were taken care of Taiwan’s government.

In any case, from our failures we learn, and next time a similar situation comes our way, we will make our opponent is the one soaking wet at the end of the day.

(Gasp of disbelief spreads clockwise around the jacuzzi.)

I will simply say it is a pleasure working all of you to protect our country, one smile and laugh at a time. I know that some of the military higher-ups are upset to see their budgets dropping with former
“enemies” now looking to work on cultural exchanges, sitting for tea, and collaborating to begin a UN/ WHO/ WTO/OPEC movement “Laughing as One.”

There is no one interested in fighting us, and the prospects for future wars is looking bleaker and bleaker. However, it is always gratifying to hear from the thousands of teachers calling to say how great it is that we have begun to fund our public school systems, the environmentalists thanking us for helping to bring the electric car to all U.S households, negating the oil companies power (which is actually quite small, now that we have no wars), and those calling to thank us for allowing funds to go toward addressing inequities in our society.

And as we break for lunch in downtown where we will try out my newest weapon, the Free Hugs signs, on the business executives, I will give you a joke to chuckle to, “Imagine a country who thinks that its national security can be won by inflicting violence on all of humanity who are cannot claim American citizenship!”

(Raucous laughter and splashing of water explodes amidst the bubbling water.)

Anthony Fleg, a regular NMI contributor, is a family medicine resident physician at the University of New Mexico.