I thought I was losing my mind.

 

I get a kick out of acting, you see, but beginning about three years ago with a role in “Laughter on the 23rd Floor” at Albuquerque’s Adobe Theater, I struggled to learn lines.

 

I was getting older, I knew, and everybody knows we drop brain cells as we age.

 

So I auditioned for smaller roles. Having just a scene or two was easier, yet I found committing even those few lines to memory tough going.

 

A small voice whispered that maybe I was tricking myself – falling victim to the fear of declining gray matter – but the common knowledge that eventually we all lose it was louder.

 

Recently, the Desert Rose Theater announced it would revive the classic 1930s comedy, “You Can’t Take It With You”. I re-read it to find a small role, but Kolenkhov, the Russian émigré ballet teacher – a bear of a man with a flea’s sensitivity -called out to me. Too many lines, yes, but so funny! Maybe if I got the part, I would cope.

 

I auditioned, won the role and, as always, set about learning the lines by copying them (with cues) onto index cards, reading them aloud in my living room and, of course, bearing down in rehearsals.

 

This time, though, whenever I felt a hint of doubt, no less fear, that I wouldn’t learn the role, I evaded. Using ESPN, sometimes, or Jon Stewart, a book, newsmagazine, even chit-chat with other cast members, I refused to feel or think about failing to learn.

 

And voila, the anti-fear strategy worked! I learned my role with zero suffering.

 

Now, with two more weekends to play, I am one with Kolenkhov when he booms that he feels, “Magnificent! Life is chasing around inside me like a squirrel.”

 

My experiment persuades me that fear of failure, not an aging brain, was why I had trouble memorizing. This means I should be ashamed of myself – after 10 years, as editor of a publication that promoted “positive aging,” I had no business buying negative assumptions about age.

 

I have apologized to myself for the bigotry.

 

So why am I telling you all this here, in a mostly political web newspaper?

 

Because, in this age of identity politics, newspapers and broadcast journalism have devoted lots of space and time not only to Barack Obama’s race but to racism. Not just to Hillary Clinton’s gender, but also to misogyny. However, while dealing extensively with John McCain’s age, they hardly touch on ageism.

 

I guess prejudice against oldsters does not go blip-blip-blip on our internal radar screens the way color and gender bias do.

 

I was lucky I had to confront it or lose the joy of performing.