Every once in a while when I’m in the car, I’ll tune in to the local conservative talk radio station. You know the one - it proudly features Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity and some local equivalents spouting what they call "the truth" all day long.

"You’re a great American," says each genuflecting caller who gets through to the self-important Hannity. "No, YOU’RE a great American," confers the host.

And so it is settled, just by saying so.

It’s sort of like a blessing, or a password to a club. But what do the club members believe? Well, I’m not an expert on this - I can only listen to so much.

However, I think the tenets of the club are this:
 

Barack Obama hates America and in fact is not really American at all.

Barack Obama is a secret Muslim and or black activist who wants to overthrow the country.

Barack Obama is an arrogant elitist who is out of touch with real Americans.

Barack Obama is too black/not black enough.

Barack Obama is not smart enough to be president/super-smart, evil and conniving.

Barack Obama is secretly morally corrupt.

During the very little time that they do not spend talking about Barack Obama or "The One" as Hannity and Limbaugh mockingly call him, they assert these other truths (which are also true just because they say them):

Anyone who opposes the war hates America and supports terrorists.

The American economy is great.

In fact, everything about America is great and anyone who says it isn’t hates America and should go live somewhere else.

As far I can tell, the club is led by Hannity, Limbaugh and all the other wanna-bes on the local dial. Elected leaders include our president, George Bush,, Sen. John McCain and ex-Sen. Phill Gramm.

Let’s not forget that these radio programs are CALL-IN shows, which, in theory, should actually involve real Americans. So for a few minutes a day, the callers, otherwise known as the members of the club, are allowed to sputter out a few words in presence of their sneering heroes.

They don’t get to say much. Limbaugh lets them worship at his feet for only a few seconds; Hannity typically lets them grovel a bit longer.

The few who get through usually spout the speculation they read in the emails or hear from their friends as gospel - for reference, just use the handy list I made above.

I am not in the club. I don’t know anyone who thinks like that. But appparently, millions do. Apparently, McCain’s attacks on Obama, which incorporate so many of these tenets, are actually working. Apparently, a majority of Americans are happy with exactly what we have now - an economy in shambles, a diminished and pitied role on the world stage, an endless war that we’re only in because we were lied to by our leaders.

Because the man they want to lead them has promised nothing but four more years of the exact same thing.

If you can get past that depressing truth, look at what they think they have on their side. It’s tough -they don’t actually talk about the merits of their candidate much, but when they do, it goes like this:

 

McCain is a war hero who supports his fellow veterans.

McCain is in touch with real Americans.

McCain is a maverick.

McCain wants to win in Iraq and beat the terrorists worldwide.

Here’s a couple of things I know to be true, not from hoax emails or talk radio but from his own statements and voting record.

As a senator, McCain consistently voted against increasing medical and other treatment benefits for soldiers. Just a few months ago, he refused to support the revamped version of the GI Bill, which provided expanded benefits to soldiers who fought in Iraq and Afghanistan. He was one of only a handful of senators to oppose the bill, which was supported by a large bipartisan coalition of senators and every major veterans group.

McCain is a multi-millionaire who gained his fortune through his wife, a beer heiress who he married after dumping his first wife. Just yesterday, he admitted that he has no idea how many houses he owns.

McCain earned respect as a political "maverick" from senators in both parties for his ability to think independently, work well with both sides and remain open to compromise on key issues of importance to millions. Since becoming the presumptive Republican nominee, McCain has steadily adopted the mainstream Republican agenda and becoming ever more conservative in an attempt to attract more voters.

McCain has said he wants to continue America’s occupation of Iraq for 1,000 years. Yesterday, during an appearance at a town hall in Las Cruces, N.M, he refused to dismiss the possibility of instituting a draft to ensure the U.S. tracks down and kills Osama Bin Laden.

So, I guess I’m a bit confused. Can someone who’s in that club straighten me out? Because I want to hear - from a real person, not a sneering, jeering talk-show host - how this all makes sense.